Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
