You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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