And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
