so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
