i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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