I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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