Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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