i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
