Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize