Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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