God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
