Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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