I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
