My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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