my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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