She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
