I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
