I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
