I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
