Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
