Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
