i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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