I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
NoShamevember. You game?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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