none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
