He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
