: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
