I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
