I need to stop coming to work sober
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just want to make out with him forever
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
