I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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