i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish you could order shots online.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
