Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
