I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
