Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
