i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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