I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
