I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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