Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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