I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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