Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
