i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
