I wish I only lived at night.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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