he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
