"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
