I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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