My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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