mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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