i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Who died my cat blue again?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
