I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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