bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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