I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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