i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
40s are totally the cure
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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