Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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