I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
