Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I am mentally ready for anal.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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