3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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